Brought to you by the letter L

Some days, you just have to walk away from trying to catch up and just jump in. So pfffft to the a to z challenge, here’s today’s post.

L for lost!

It’s a bit how I’m feeling today. Lost. Some days the sorrow, the regret, the heartache of life just bites me in the ass.  I don’t remember dates, well, you know, dates…numbers so maybe it was this time of year, twenty years ago, that I stood in a hospital room, wondering how it had all come to this.  From jail, to lack of nutrition consuming his muscle mass, to the emergency room with paddles shocking my oldest child back to life, to those who said “maybe it would have been better if they had just let him go.” Better for who?

How does a mother ever reconcile herself to the absolute heartbreak of mental illness?

Twenty years later, he’s still with me, my oldest child, still living with schizophrenia, and most every day, he writes to me and ends with “I love you mom” and still,  some days, like today, my heart still feels so damn lost.

And still, as Garth Brooks so beautifully sings:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 thoughts on “Brought to you by the letter L

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  1. A lot of difficult life challenges Joss. As a mother in a somewhat similar circumstance, we cannot fix it has been the most difficult lesson for us. Sorrow and grief comes and goes. What always remain is that we can ❤️ 💗 love. Hugs to you Joss. How amazing it is that your son writes to you every day. Love has no illness attached to it.

    Like

  2. Oh, my dear Joss. Tears are falling as my heart embraces your message.
    Feeling Loss. Feeling Lost. Also feeling Gratitude through the pain.
    I’ve never felt closer to your precious soul. Thank you for your generous and courageous gift in your words.

    Like

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